Character Description/Feedback Game!

[Abaratian]

So, in order to get some activity, I've decided to start this game for us all. Well... not really a game, so to speak, but I've done this before in other, bigger forums and it was always pretty entertaining!

The Game: The first person (me I suppose) posts a description of their character. The next person will post feedback on the first person's character and then their own character's description. The person after that posts feedback and their own character. Then so on and so on... you get the idea. Everyone will write feedback and everyone will have feedback written on their character.

The Rules: In order to post your own character, you need to give good feedback to the above poster. Point out the good and the bad without being too mean. The original poster is not allowed to defend their character at all. If they disagree with something the second person said, they are allowed to post the character again, but only if they've made some changes to the character according to the other person's suggestions. The reasons for this is so that we don't start arguing, but also because in real creative writing classes and groups you aren't allowed to defend your work. Usually you aren't even allowed to speak when your piece is being critiqued. So imagine it like that. However, if you are directly asked a question about your character, you are allowed to answer those by editing your original post.

Tips: I'm going to post a generic template for the description, which you do not have to follow to a T, but I feel like it's a good base for what we're trying to do. If you don't have anything negative to say about another person's character, try to see it from the point of view of someone who would dislike the character.

If I notice a lot of bickering or a lot of meanness coming from this game, it will come to an end. This is meant to be a good and fun source of criticism.

My Character
Name: (include, if you think necessary, the meaning behind this name or why you chose it for the character)
Age:
History: (everything before the main story takes place - this includes family - and this section can be broken up however you want)
Appearance: (from skin color to clothing style - again, this can be broken up into subcategories or can just be given in paragraph form)
Personality: (both in public and in private, include hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc)
His/Her Story: (from the point your story begins to the very last word, what happens to this character)

Be helpful, but beyond that: have fun! If this goes well, I'll expand it so we can have a Plot Description/Feedback Game, too. I feel like plots are a lot more personal than characters, so I think this is a better first step (correct me if I'm wrong!)

[Abaratian]

Natalie Wright
Age: 24 at beginning of story
Past: Natalie was born to upper-middle-class parents, Evan and Rachel Wright. She had one sister, named Janine, who is younger than her by six years. She disrespected her parents, did poorly in school, partied frequently and often snuck out of the house. This all changed when, at 15, she got pregnant. During the pregnancy and after the birth of her son, Jason, she was home-schooled. She no longer partied and rarely saw her friends. Due to these, and many other factors, she suffered severe postpartum depression. She went to group counseling for women with this problem, but was the youngest one there by a decade, and this worsened it tremendously because no one there treated her like an equal. At eighteen, she stopped with her education, got a few part-time jobs, took her son and moved into an apartment. The sudden change in environment, and the sudden shift of responsibility onto her, changed her attitude. By the time Jason enterred elementary school, she was a completely different and happier person, although she will never be the same girl she was before her pregnancy. Jason's father did not abandon her, and still gives her money as child support, but they are not together and aren't even friends anymore because of the mental rollercoaster she's been on. Natalie has a lukewarm relationship with her parents and loathes/fears for her little sister for leading the life she used to lead without the consequences.
Appearance: Natalie is about 5'2" and weighs about average for her height. She has loosely curled strawberry-blonde hair and expressive grey-blue eyes. Despite being young, she has heavy crows feet under her eyes. From her pregnancy, she has many stretchmarks, of which she is extremely self-conscious to the point she doesn't look at herself naked or half-dressed in the mirror. She has a vast collection of clothes in all shapes and styles, so her fashion sense can't be narrowed down into one description, but she always... always wears heels. Even in the most inappropriate circumstances.
Personality: Natalie has been tamed by Jason. She spends most of the day working and her free time is not spent partying, but watching television or spending time with her son. There is a inner, deeply hidden desire to have fun and party, but it's easy for her to shake off. She's generally very happy, sometimes faking happiness in bad situations just to keep things stable. On the surface, she is extremely easygoing, go-with-the-flow, but under the surface she is uptight and ready to spring. The confidence of her childhood has been replaced by selfconsciousness, and she's extremely defensive of herself and her son to the point that she's quick to jump into fights. She has embarrassed her son in front of classmates and teachers many times by getting into fights over things so miniscule such as a negative sideways glance in her direction. While she is not very well-off economically, she denies her son very little, and most of the sacrifice is on her part. She spends a lot of money on him, but gets her clothes usually from thrift stores or low-quality department stores. Despite this, her closeted obsession is designer clothes, and their apartment is full of fashion magazines. She is a terrible cook to a laughable point, and prefers to make TV dinners or frozen, ready-made foods for herself and her son.
Role in the Story: I'm going to be vague here for a reason. Basically, she's a relatively major character. She takes herself and her son to a psychologist and the psychologist she goes to just happens to be the main character, who has a special talent but needs her encouragement to learn to use it for the greater good. There is no romance between them, and I personally think their personalities clash too much for anything like that, but if this story was ever published and got popular (which I don't expect to happen), I can imagine some fans pairing her with the main character.

[Usagi]

That sounds awesome, but there was only one thing I was wondering: Can we still edit others work without posting one of our own characters? I still enjoy reading other's characters and such, but wouldn't ever post my own, mostly because I tend to stick to poetry. So, would that be okay?

[Abaratian]

Yeah, that's fine, but if you'd like, we can start a poetry thread in here, too?

[Kaito]

AU:
Genre: Fantasy
Type: Pseudo-Japanese
Government: The government is controlled by a panel of seven mages, the Septumvirate, jokingly called the Seven Lucky Gods (referring to their all-powerful nature in politics). There are several lower tiers of government, almost entirely populated by lesser mages. The only thing which keeps it from being a dictatorship is the Septumvirate's complete inability to agree on anything.

Mahoutsukai, or mages, are born with an amount of raw power which can be refined through training into spells, are the most politically powerful.

Youkai are born with fully developed powers. They have two shapes: One animal, and one human. They have power over one element: Air, Earth, Fire, Water, or Ether (Spirit, Mind, Idea, etc.) Most are benign, but because of an intense hatred by the mages, have been demonized in the eyes of the public. Youkai tend to have short lifespans.

There is also a smaller community in the capital itself, called Hitoshirezu-kyo (Hitokyo, for short), the "Hidden Capital". It is a refuge for criminals, orphans, the homeless, and youkai. A nest of twisted alleys, forest, and swamp, not quite city and not quite wilderness, the government has attempted to exterminate the residents many times, but each time was forced into an unconditional rout.
Relevant Legislature: Being a youkai is illegal, and youkai are attacked on sight. However, many have managed to blend into populations, even the capital itself. For many people, especially in rural regions, there's an unofficial don't-ask-don't-tell policy about youkai, unless someone is proven unconditionally to be one.


Aka-Suzume
Name: Aka-suzume (Suzume)
Means Red Sparrow. Reddish-brown hair, street musician, avian-human shapeshifter, 'nuff said.
Appearance:
------Avian Suzume's avian appearance is that of a Pied Harrier. Her avian form ages in proportion to her human form. It is an adult, with the red-brown and black spotting common to females of the species.
Pied Harrier Images: 1
2
3
------Human Suzume in human form is relatively tall, with long, reddish-brown hair usually kept in a loose ponytail. Her eyes are bright orange, the same color as her hawk shape. She is thin, but not skinny, long-limbed and athletic. She is a capable hand-to-hand fighter, and rarely carries weapons. She wears a kosode (a relative of the kimono) dyed brown or grey, and hakama in the same colors.
Age: Twenty-ish
History:
------FamilySuzume is a twin, and had one younger brother. Her twin brother, Tsuki-kakesu (Moon Jay), is a Brahminy Kite, and her younger brother, Shiro-kakkou (White Cuckoo), was a Jerdon's Baza.
------Suzume's family remained intact until she was seven. Both her parents were street musicians, the most common occupation for youkai, and they taught all three of their children to play traditional instruments. Near the time she turned seven, her father was discovered to be a youkai, and he and his wife were killed by the law enforcement samurai-mages. Suzume, Tsuki, and the five-year-old Shiro escaped, but Shiro was wounded. It festered, and he died of infection shortly after.

Confused and more than a little frightened, Suzume and Tsuki became more and more animal-like in their behavior. They would have lost their human sides completely if they hadn't been found by another youkai, a snow leopard. He brought back their human sides, and taught them how to assimilate into human society. They learned fast, and the youkai, whose name was Yama-tora (Mountain Tiger) quickly became their adoptive father.

Time passed, as it tends to do, and both Tsuki and Suzume moved out into human society as street musicians. A few years later, Yama passed away of old age, a fair accomplishment for a youkai.
Personality:
------Public: Suzume is friendly and playful, always humming a tune. She is well-liked, and makes friends easily, though never close friends. She is always slightly detached, but because of her friendliness, hardly anyone notices. She's very easygoing and always the first to laugh, even at herself. A skilled musician, she has little trouble earning enough to buy herself food, though it takes most of her day.
------Private: Suzume is gruff and slightly snappish, suppressing her cheerfulness. She is mildly impatient, and doesn't bear well with stupid people. She doesn't form attachments easily, and is slightly suspicious of people. She finds it hard to trust. She is still friendly, though she keeps it tightly covered (even to herself), and will help most people if they need it. She is particularly sympathetic to stray orphans, having been one herself.
His/Her Story: Suzume finds an orphan on the street in Hitoshirezu-kyo. He is panicked, and has been shot with an arrow. She persuades him to trust her, and unofficially adopts him. The boy is a youkai, but she doesn't know what type. He is very close to losing himself and becoming pure animal, but she slowly brings back his human side. He is a phoenix youkai, a very rare and powerful type of youkai. Phoenixes have many legends about them, and are revered by all avian-type youkai.

^^Short version, for a school project

(cont.) There have also been a series of killings, all mages, by an assassin calling him/herself "the Phoenix". Coincidence? Yes? No? No, in this case. The boy--he has no name, or has forgotten it--wasn't killing of his own free will, however. He was being used by an unknown organization dedicated to overthrowing the government. A small portion of the organization discovered him, and trained (read:brainwashed) him to be their assassin. Any failure to do exactly as they ordered resulted in severe punishment. He escaped, luckily for him, but they won't give up easily--he's a valuable asset, and they want him back.

Insert complicated politics and/or revolution here.